I Am NOT Amazing!


I've been on this journey of fighting cancer now since January of 2019. I don't see an end in sight yet for a life void of cancer, for me.
I am hoping that one day I will be cancer free. That's a very BIG hope. But hope is all we have. Hope... is all I have.

Like all events that come into our lives, expected or not, we all have to deal with them and we all deal with them differently and on our own terms. The struggle is real for all of us, be it cancer or other illness, relationships, financial issues, jobs and careers problems, etc. You name it. We are all going through something.

Life is full of setbacks, heartbreaks and disappointments.

Despite all that. Life itself can still be good. Even great if we decide to take that path. It's all in our attitude, our disposition and how we respond to these events that sometimes just pop up out of nowhere.

Charles Swindoll said that "...life is 10% percent what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

So, having said that...

I AM NOT AMAZING!

Since January, I have written countless facebook updates detailing the ups and downs of my journey. I decided right away I wanted to be transparent about what was going on in my life, my diagnosis and and the truth about what I was feeling at the moment of my writing.

I could not have been more shocked at the response that came in return from all of you. This community. Shocked maybe the wrong word... elated perhaps, in awe of the support, the fundraisers, the meal deliveries, the "likes" and "Loves" and the beautiful and supportive comments on every post. They've lifted my spirits, brought me new insight and blessed me beyond words could ever describe.

I've read the sentence "You are amazing!" a thousand times. I know it comes from a good place and I really appreciate the sentiment of what's being said.

So.. It's really all of you that are amazing.

Beautiful and caring souls that have know idea how much it means to read your words of encouragement. Not only supporting me but the Heather too. She lives this on the daily and takes that roller coaster ride with me every time it takes off... and sometimes we don't if it's going up or if it's about to takes the steepest turn down we've ever experienced. But we take that ride.

And when it's up... we ride it out as long as we can. When it decides to go down, we deal with it. We let out our emotions, whatever they may be and we try and turn it around.

Heather is AMAZING!
All of you are AMAZING!

I am NOT amazing.

I am just a guy presented with a situation. A very bad and bleak situation. One with no real answers or defined outcome. One where seemingly every piece of good news is followed up with twice the bad news. We never really know.

I only know this.
I am NOT amazing.

I'm only trying to be me. The person I was before and still trying to hold onto. Positive. Ambitious. Outgoing. Overly Sensitive. Driven. Passionate... Fallible.

Fallible in so many ways.

I am... like you!

I am no different than anyone of you in these terms. You are going through something. I don't know what it is, but my guess is you're doing the best you can despite it. Am I right?

Because that's all we can do. That's all I can do. I long to stand tall and strong. Sometime I can do that. Other times, not so much. I just want to continue doing what I can, what I desire and what I am passionate about.

I am scared.

This disease is a scary mother fucker! If it could have it's way with me, I would be dead right now. But it hasn't killed me yet. So the next best thing it wants to do is take away what mean the most to me. My passions and my will to keep going. It wants me in the corner, disconnected and weak. It wants to break me.

I am not amazing because I believe that all of you would do the same thing. That you have the same fight in you, as well.

We only have this one life to shine. And someday my light will burn out.

I want to live a life that's truly "Happy & Grateful".

I am learning that this phrase is not about settling for less in life than you deserve but truly appreciating what's in front of you. The people in your life that love you and that you love back. It's not taking them for granted that they will always be there for you. So tell your loved ones you love them. Share your feelings and be real with them. Enjoy a life of really living. Have fun. Work hard but play harder. Make everyday meaningful in some small way and create memories that will last a lifetime. Happy & Grateful is about complaining less and complimenting more. It's being thankful for the bigger picture in your life and not stressing on the small stuff. Because a lot of things most people stress about (me included) are things that won't even matter weeks from now.

So if anything, I am  "Happy & Grateful"

... and you know what?

That's pretty damn AMAZING!!





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